Bigger, Badder, Better... But Mostly Bigger

Welcome back to the neither new nor improved (but more recently updated) bunny blog! I finally got around to summarizing Daisy’s recent history, which merely means that I became more bored NOT doing the blog than I previously was doing it.

As most of you know, Daisy is once again a single bunny. Things just didn’t work out between her and Buster; they had a lot in common (eating and pooping a lot), but their long-term compatibility was jeopardized by Daisy’s daily asskickings of the poor guy.

Scene of the crime:



Fortunately, Buster found a great new home nearby to call his own; you can expect periodic updates on his progress. Early word is that he’s enjoying the taste of his new caretaker’s homework. Mmm, trigonometry.

For her part, Daisy is living the high life once again. Indeed, if her existence at present had a soundtrack, it would be composed entirely of cheesy Steve Winwood songs. She no longer has to share her beloved pellets or her traditional lounging spots – certainly no one disputes her claim to the eight inches of space between the couch and wall. In rabbit terms, this is competitive real estate.

Go ahead, just tell me this spacious mansion isn't worth having any friends:



I’m fairly certain she was doping up on BGH (Bunny Growth Hormone) in order to intimidate her erstwhile housemate, so she’s looking pretty big these days. Her mane has gotten fuller, and the new scruff, along with her sweater-esque appearance and disaffected attitude, label her as perhaps the world’s first and only hipster rabbit. This notion was confirmed the other evening when I walked into her room and her cage was littered with PBR cans. Was it just my imagination, or did I hear some Arcade Fire playing in here just now?



She made out like a bandit last Christmas, nabbing not only the obligatory treats but a new stuffed animal friend as well. She gave it the customary introduction by having sex with its face, but their relationship has matured and she now focuses on giving it haircuts with only an occasional quickie.

Here's a pre-faux-coitus picture I surreptitiously snapped. I really hope someone Googles "bunny porn" expecting Playboy models and finds this pic instead. The look on the lion's face is priceless - something between "Wait a minute, wasn't Hump Day yesterday?" and "How can this be consensual when neither of us can make noise?"



You may notice in the above picture that she now has a jute carpet in her room which she uses extensively for running, jumping, and plain old asslazing. She also enjoys nibbling on the pieces of fiber jutting out from the carpet. If you’re keeping score, Daisy hates men, doesn’t shave, and loves to munch on carpet. Go ahead and get your jokes out now. I know I have.

Stay tuned, boys and girls, for more updates from the one and only Butch- er... Daisy buns!

The Bitch is Back!

After an extended hiatus, The Curious Adventures of Daisy blog is back! Well, it will actually make its full and triumphant return in the next update, but every comeback needs a teaser. In the meantime, here’s a clip of Daisy falling off the bed. No bunnies were harmed in the making of this movie, though one was greatly embarrassed (hint: it's Daisy).

Bunny fun

Still in the early stages of bonding, Daisy and Buster remain mortal enemies and spend most of their day hurling bunny insults and/or poop at each other from their respective cages. I'm fairly certain that whenever I'm not looking, they crotch-chop each other with reckless abandon. I think this because I suspect they do the same to me, too. Note to self: set up spycam to record evidence of bunny trashtalk.

In the meantime, both are getting time out of the cage, but only when the other is safely locked away. Rabbits tend to throw shitfits whenever a "bad bunny" approaches their home, but as long as the intruder bunny is out of sight, the home bunny can resume his important routine of sitting around and cleaning his crotch. (Talk about mixed signals. I'm not sure what message a girl would be sending me if she threatened to kick my ass but then made sure I knew she was keeping things manicured. Rabbits are strange creatures.)

At only six months, Buster still has a lot of youthful energy. He is your typical boy rabbit and loves nothing more than to run around and show off for you. What do rabbits do when they're excited? Well, they basically run around like their ass is on fire and do flying jumpkicks called "binkies." Exhibit A:



It's hard to understand this within the context of evolution and a rabbit's status as a bottom-of-the-order prey animal. You'd think they would want to keep a low profile and not show off their sweet moves to everyone. But at the same time, I can see how this behavior would act as a deterrent as well. Whenever Daisy does one of her superbinkies, it seems harmless and cute to us. But one must keep in mind that bunnies don't think they're cute - they actually think they're badasses. So here's how that same move appears to her:



Remember the karate guy from Napoleon Dynamite? "Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys?"

Well, same thing here - nobody wants a roundhouse kick to the face from a four-pound bunny. If you're a predator and that happens to you in the middle of the forest in front of any other creature, let's just say it's time to find another forest.

Buster!

(Apologies for the time off between posts. Daisy's owners are big fans of March Madness. Daisy, for her part, enjoys throwing her bowl around her cage during games because her owners are watching basketball instead of her.)

In our last adventure, recall that Daisy only seemed to withhold her patented asskicking from one lucky bunny: Butterball, the baby white lionhead who had been born in foster care. Recall also that Daisy is incredibly picky about anything that's not edible. If she was willing to spare Butterball from a bunny beatdown, could that be a sign of affection? The ways of the bunny are truly mysterious, but every now and then you'll be thrown a glimmer of insight such as this one. "I smacked around everyone but this guy." This means something!

A few days later, I submitted adoption papers for Butterball and brought him back to his new home. It seemed like a good idea to put his cage next to Daisy's so they could get used to each other's presence before a face-to-face introduction. The newly-named Buster (which for some reason seemed to be an all-around better name than Butterball) seemed to settle in quite well:

(Bunnies are odd creatures. Sometimes they like to sit in their hay bowls. Sometimes they like to shit in them, too. Ever heard the expression, "Don't shit where you eat"? Buster hasn't.)

It was Daisy, however, who was having severe adjustment issues. To say that she was slightly perturbed from Buster's presence is like saying Adam Sandler is slightly unfunny. When Buster's cage was placed next to hers, she just lost it - running all over her cage, throwing food around, trying to bite through the bars. It was like telling a fiending cokehead that you're fresh out of blow.

In a move that surely ranks as a candidate for "Bad Decision of the Year," I reasoned that Daisy's agitation stemmed from the simple fact that she simply needed to express her dominance over Buster, get him to submit, and then all would be alright. You know, nothing some slapping around and token mounting wouldn't fix. Incidentally, this is probably where my past relationships have negatively impacted my thought process.

The face-to-face introduction turned out to be an unmitigated disaster. Seconds after putting them both in a playpen in a neutral area, Daisy charged Buster and immediately latched onto the back of his neck, prompting him to scream in distress. Here's all you need to know about bunny noises: because they're prey animals, if they're making any noise at all, it's probably a bad sign. Despite our shouting and attempts to separately them forcefully with a towel, Daisy kept attacking Buster to the point where she had to be doused with a cup of water to shock her into releasing him from her grip. At that point, poor Buster was basically in shock and was carried him out of the "play"pen (steel cage? gladiator arena?) and back into his own cage. Thank goodness he seemed to be otherwise OK.

After this incident of domestic violence, it was clear that this process would be neither quick nor easy. Instead, there was no choice but to accept the fact that this would be a long, labored bonding with no guarantee of success.

***

On a lighter note, here's some exclusive footage of Daisy chewing some coroplast to get ready for "The Showdown":

Bunny Dating 3: The Return of the Bunni

I recently got in touch with a very nice lady who works for a Durham-based animal rescue group. I found her group using petfinder.com, which is basically like craigslist personal ads but for animals. It's true - you can put in what type of animal you're looking for and sort your results by color, size, age, personality, and favorite mixed drink. Alright, so I made up one of those, but the point still stands. Petfinder.com is where lonely animals go for discreet hookups with strangers.

As it turns out, the lady who runs this particular group has, in addition to her full-time job as a vet, lots of experience bonding bunnies and other small mammals. I gave her the rundown on Daisy's background and told her we were looking for a guy bunny for Daisy to meet. I made sure she knew that Daisy was looking in the "strictly platonic" section and wouldn't be breeding any time soon.

We visited the foster mom's place a few weeks ago, Daisy in tow, for some bunny speed-dating. This lady's house was amazing - it was as if a family of four had taken refuge in a PetSmart. The living room was stacked with dog crates holding canines just dying to get out and say hello to Daisy. The small animal room was filled wall-to-wall with cages containing rabbits, guinea pigs, mice, ferrets, and little kids who cried on airplanes. From another room one could hear the incessant squawking of what I assumed to be parrots or conures, but which may in fact have been al-Qaida operatives being interrogated. Amazingly, the place was kept remarkably clean, meaning the foster mom must put in hours of work just to keep her home from being featured on an episode of "Hoarders." I'm pretty sure the Durham county zoning officer shits actual bricks whenever he does his inspection.

At any rate, the foster mom picked out three potential matches:

(1) A very dapper young bunny named Otto O'Leary (favorite drink: Guinness)











(2) A slightly bigger and badder young buck, Java (favorite drink: coffee with Bailey's)












(3) And a charming baby lionhead mix, Butterball (favorite drink: buttery nipple)











All of the encounters took place in a playpen on the living room carpet. Daisy immediately sat herself in the litter box and munched on hay, as if this was Juliet's balcony while she waited for her Romeo. Here's how the dates went:

1. Otto - When Otto was placed into the pen, Daisy became very curious and ran up to him. Poor Otto basically pissed himself when he saw this rather stocky bun charging him for no apparent reason. Daisy shoved her head into his face, which prompted Otto to immediately lower his head down onto the carpet. In the world of bunnies, this behavior is sign language for, "Please God don't hurt me, I'll give you everything, just please don't kick my ass, I'm begging you." Clearly, Daisy felt the need to assert herself.

While the date started well enough, we noticed that whenever Otto approached the litter box, Daisy would start acting all hard. She obviously did not care for him approaching her food source. Otto relented once he realized he wasn't going to get any hay while that huge bitch was around.

The two buns seemed to wear on each other as time went on, and once Daisy chased Otto into the pet carrier and a beatdown seemed imminent, we decided to move on with the experiment.

2. Java - Just a bad match from the start. As soon as Java came into the pen, he and Daisy immediately started kicking each other's asses. He jumped into the box and they chased each other in a tight circle as litter, hay, and fur flew into the air. The whole encounter lasted maybe ten seconds before we pulled Java out, thus ensuring the continued survial of planet Earth.

3. Butterball - Little Butterball was a third of Daisy's size, so we were really worried about her basically tossing him around the cage like a tennis ball. But as it turned out, he seemed like the best match of the three. Although she made him submit almost immediately, things settled down after that and the buns started to do their own thing. Disinterest between rabbits is usually a good thing; like humans, they often play coy and hard to get with each other. Of course, like any good date, this tactic typically ends in mounting.

After Daisy scented Butterball several times (translation: you my bitch), she let him do his own thing while she hopped back into her box to gorge on free hay. She still didn't appreciate him trying to join her in there, but she politely declined his offer by only slightly kicking his ass. She started showing off for him by doing some leg kicks and seemed downright frisky before we decided to call it a day while things were still going well.

Overall, the date with Butterball was a moderate success. By way of analogy to human dates, he had an enjoyable meal and even got to cop an "accidental" feel on the goodnight hug, for which he received a stern talking but avoided a slap in the face. Not that I personally would know anything about those kinds of dates. This is purely hypothetical. Please stop laughing.

Will there be a second date with Butterball? Will Java take out a restraining order on Daisy? Will Otto O'Leary get drunk for St. Patty's Day? Stay tuned...

Bunny Dating (Part 2)

The bunny paradox is that rabbits are both highly social and highly territorial. As prey animals, bunnies are instinctively shy, quiet, and prone to staying out of view. But they must balance this tendency with the simple fact that everyone knows: bunnies loves to make more bunnies. And as it turns out, you need a partner for that.

Daisy has been spayed, so she won't be making any more bunnies any time soon. But to say that doesn't stop her from thinking about it is to say that single people don't think about sex. Daisy's complex psychology is beyond my mere human comprehension, but it's hard to imagine a bunny in her prime who never thinks about whipping out her cell phone to booty call some studly rabbit.

Here's today's rabbit trivia - did you know that intercourse between rabbits lasts an average of 1.5 seconds? Don't be jealous, ladies.

Remember, though, that rabbits will fiercely defend their territory if they feel threatened. When you're at the very bottom of the food chain, it's fair to say that you're already pretty threatened to begin with. Now, in addition to avoiding foxes, wolves, cats, dogs, snakes, owls, eagles, hawks, disgusting East Asian appetites, and Elmer Fudd, you have to deal with some punkass bunny trying to move in on your turf.

That brings us back to Daisy's situation. Bunnies aren't meant to be solitary creatures. They bond with mates (usually of the opposite sex, but there are a few rabbits out there who are a little light in the thumpers), make lots of kits, and typically remain best friends for life. Daisy is a rabbit. Rabbits need buddies. Ergo, Daisy needs a buddy.

Sure, I'm Daisy's buddy. But she could also use a buddy who doesn't mind licking her butt to groom her. I'm not that good of a buddy, and I'm cool with that.

So let's review.

Buddy:













Not a buddy:















In the next entry, Daisy meets three potential suitors... and delivers at least one asskicking.

Bunny Dating: Part 1 (A Valentine's Day Post)

Over the past few weeks, I've begun entertaining the idea of getting a second bunny in order for Daisy to have a playmate during those long mornings and early afternoons when I'm asleep. (Apparently, most people don't sleep from 4AM-noon, including bunnies.). To this end, I've been exploring options for adding a second rabbit.

What I quickly learned is that there are lots of rabbits out there who need homes. This is true for most common pets, of course. But it seems most people don't even realize rabbits can become good pets in the first place. Rabbits love to get their swole on, and as a result the bunny supply is pretty healthy. The demand part, however, is nowhere near what it is for cats or dogs. Many people buy rabbits as babies and return them as soon as they hit sexual matury and start decorating your favorite things with urine (hey, it's a compliment - the bunny likes and wants it, too). This is especially prevalent around springtime and Easter, when the rabbit trade really picks up.

I recently visited the Wake County Animal Shelter to see what bunnies they had in stock and the results were surprising. The so-called "Litter Critter" room - in which all rabbits are housed - was virtually deserted. There were no employees or volunteers in there, and I was the only customer. The rabbits sat there in stacked cages just waiting for visitors. Some had been there for weeks. They all had food, water, and chews, so they weren't being mistreated. Yet it was strange and disconcerting that the busiest animal shelter in the state didn't see more rabbit interest. I even asked one volunteer about the animals and her response was that she "didn't do rabbits."

One rabbit was actually an Eastern Cottontail (i.e. a wild rabbit) that had been caught in a cat trap and brought into the shelter. "Don't go with that one," I was told, "it'll destroy your house." What living creature doesn't? It wasn't exactly a hard sell for an animal that seemed to have the tamest disposition of any of them. He'd been there since November.

If there's anything to be learned from this blog, it's that rabbits are the shit. Nobody wants a rabbit, yet people are obsessed with having more kids than they can possibly support financially or justify environmentally? See my previous post/rant on why bunnies > brats.

If you want to give a meaningful gift for this most commercial of holidays, do two creatures a favor and adopt a bunny. Do it... or face her wrath: